Spending My Time Wisely

I'll leave the details to when we actually get sweet baby Landmark to when we have her in our arms, but I've been trying, fairly desperately, to keep my self busy and productive while we wait for Little Landmark's arrival.

I knew, before we were matched with a birth mother, that we were going to be getting a baby soon. I knew it in my gut. I knew even before we were "home study ready" that we would get a baby before the year was over. Maybe I was just hoping, fantasizing, and wanting really bad, but I thought I knew.

SOOOOOO That means, that even before we were home study ready, David and I worked on our nursery. We started with painting the walls neutral colors so that we would be prepared for either gender. (We were open to both genders). We just want[ed] whatever God has for us. Then, I found a ridiculously good deal on a crib. $50! I mean, for a crib that was only slept in ONCE! Yes, please! Then we got a chair. A nice, neutral, rocker recliner at 60% off! BOOM BABY! And as we continued to make further progress on the nursery, we got closer and closer to Little Landmark! Ultimately, the nursery is done... it was done before we even met the birth parents.

I like to check things off my list. It's maybe a little bit of an obsession. I even make to-do lists for days I spend at home so I can cross items off and be productive. Yikes, right?

This brings me back to the first sentence... I've been trying to keep busy because the nursery is already done and I am, in all ways possible, ready for my baby. As ready as I am, I've felt very strongly, from God, to use this time He's given us and enjoy it. So to honor that calling:
 I have spent it with my farmer.

 I have spent it with friends. I've spent it getting the stores ready for my reduction in working days. I've canned. I've frozen.

 I've shopped. 

I've crafted. 

I've prayed.

And I've even rested!

Let's Be Real

I feel like that statement is kind of a disclaimer. It means that what ever is about to come afterwards might not be something everyone wants to hear, or it's maybe even something that person shouldn't share, but by saying "let's be real" you're somehow exempt from tact, social protocol, or monitoring your words.

So here's my disclaimer about today's post. It's about one of my frustrations with our adoption journey. If you're not up for it, now is the time time to hit the back button or mosey on back to Facebook.

And away we go!!!

Let's be real; God allows us to go through things in our lives to bring us to trust him. So far, in our adoption journey, God really has orchestrated everything perfectly. He's allowed things to fall in place that I couldn't have done myself. Even so, there are so many things about this process that continue to remind me that I am not in control. Not even a little bit. It's the hardest part so far of our adoption journey. Letting others: birth mom, agency, and people at the agency have more control over what's happening to our baby and in our situation than we have.

It is a constant battle for me to allow others to be so in control in such an important area of our life!

This last Wednesday I did a little shopping in downtown Alexandria.  I went to one of my favorite books shops The Mustard Seed and picked up "Trusing God day by day" by Joyce Meyer. I was in the market for something extra to add to my morning quiet time. This was it! It has daily nuggets of Biblical truth that take all of 2 minutes to read, and are impactful!

Well, in just a couple days this books has already spoken directly into my heart. Yesterday's, September 19, little devo took a situation I'm CONTINUALLY struggling with, my thoughts, the stress I create for myself by obsessing, and I got to learn how to deal with it.

For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways says the Lord. Isaiah, 55:8

I need to learn to agree with God's thoughts. I need to learn to THINK the way He wants me to think.

We get to choose what we think about. I hear this crap all the time: "I can't help what I think." Ummmm.... Soooooo you're a mindless drone that has thoughts implanted by an evil villain? Probably not.

BUT it's hard to think the way God wants me to think! I have to make a conscious choice on what I'm going to think about. Negative thought pops into my head? I need to think about something Godly.  A truth He's given me. Don't get me wrong. When I have a thought that I tend to obsess about or stress over it seems almost important that I sit and worry! Really, it totally seems to me that I NEED to sit and mull the ordeal over. But that's just not the truth. The truth is God has better for me. He wants me to TRUST Him with my baby. With everything! Honestly, He's obviously, got this situation more under control than I do, so I get to practice putting my thoughts back in order.

Try it with me. When a tough thought pops into your head think about something else. Literally, anything else. God wants us to be happy. He wants us to clean up our thinking, as my devo says. But He's not doing it for us! He gives us the tools and we make the choice.

So for the last leg of our adoption journey to Little Landmark I want to choose to have my thoughts be His thoughts.

More than God

There are some exciting things happening in our adoption process!

If you've read my last post you already know that very recently God is working on my heart.

Let me just say that He's working overtime and all at once on an issue that He feels needs addressing. I must be in a place that God feels I'm ready to submit to Him in this area.

Last Sunday our pastor started a new series called Gods At War.  The first message in this series (9/7/14) addressed the things that battle for our heart. I would say that if you live in the United States it is a reality that we are constantly surrounded by things that battle for our attention. We live in a world of desire, entertainment, excitement, and self. As a follower if Christ we basically need to literally give ourselves to God daily in order to keep God on the throne of our Hearts since there are so many other "princes" out there battling for the throne. With our infertility and adoption journey, I have had to rely on God a lot and during much of this message I was feeling good about God's importance in my life. I'm thinkin' He's #1 because I've needed that in order to survive.

Yeah... well... then Pastor Bruce hits us with this little nugget....

-Anything you want more than God is an idol.- 

Again with a moment of silence to let this one sink in.

I can honestly say that of all the things I've every wanted in my life, and of all the things I've wanted in the last 5.5 years... I've wanted a baby WAY more than I've wanted God. I've spent so much time crying in in pain over not having a baby. I've looked at baby clothes, names, rooms, photos, and anything else I could more than I've spent time with God. I've even spent more time trying to make a family than I have spent time with God or make my relationship with Him better. Yeah... hands down, getting a baby has been my God for the last 51/2 years.... Well then... God, are you saying something here? Am I hearing you loud and clear? First patiently wait? Now, put you back on the throne?  Sometimes when God speaks He whispers... Sometimes he hints... I think it's safe to say God was shouting at me to listen with these two revelations so close together. 

One of the best things about the adoption process is that I am getting to know, a little more,  what it means to be a daughter of Christ. What discipline looks like. What direction looks like. What His love for me looks like. What His best for me looks like. 

So here I sit. TRYING to patiently wait for my baby. And instead of NEEDING my baby right now, I'm thanking God that Little Landmark is a short time away and that Little Landmark is mine.

Not my Vertue

As a requirement to be approved to get Little Landmark David and I have to complete so many hours of education. That education comes in the forms of seminars, webinars, and books. Recently I finished reading Adopted for Life.

Let me start my thoughts of this book with: READ IT! If you love Jesus, read it. If you know someone that's adopted, read it. If you want to adopt, read it. If you know someone that's adopting, read it. If you are adopted, read it. Again, if you love Jesus, READ IT!

So, now that you plan on reading it, let me share what blew my mind: But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. Romans 8:25

.............................................................................................................................................. Let us continue this moment of silence for us to examine our hearts and that God DOES address us RIGHT WHERE WE'RE AT! .............................................................................................................................

I mean, really. Let me say that in my family, both sides, there is not a drop of patients in our blood. There is some patients that has been earned, fought for, forced, and graciously given, but NOT A DROP was put there naturally. You can imagine how well that goes over with infertility. Five and a half years of infertility. And you can imagine how well this goes over with waiting for my baby through adoption. Yep. Whatever you're thinking, that's how well it goes over.

When I read this verse from Adopted for Life I pretty much cried. I was relieved that God actually has called me to wait for what I want. I was annoyed that God has called me to wait for what I want. I was amazed that God calls US to wait for what we want.

I want to honor God. I want to be patient through this process. I want to wait with grace. I want His glory and light to shine through me as I wait. Isn't that part of what patients is? Waiting graciously?

I googled (good ol' google) the definition of patients. Here's what I got: the capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering without getting angry or upset.

I would like to confess I have not done this well. I have been very angry and upset pretty much through it all. My basic and daily thought process has been: GIVE ME MY BABY! God gave me this desire to have a family, why can't I have it?!

So when I read that verse... I sat with my cup of coffee. Broken. Full of desire. Shame. Relief. And the will to move forward in this journey as patiently as possible so I can get out of God's way.