Today is the first day since September 19 that I haven't shed a tear...
Unless a miracle happens on or around baby Landmark's (or so we thought) due date we have a failed match. The family we were matched with is due with a baby girl November 4... this Tuesday.... Tomorrow.
What I wrote above ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ I actually wrote last Monday... I couldn't finish it. I couldn't and sometimes still can't even believe we're experiencing this. And that was the only day I didn't cry. Sometimes I feel crazy. Like I need to just stop crying because it's ridiculous how often I have been. But then my thoughts bring me to feeling - almost feeling - the weight of a sweet, warm bundle in my arms and the tears start rollin'.
Now that this coming Tuesday will be 2 weeks since baby's due date I can't believe we are looking at a failed match... We very much gave our hearts to this sweet little baby girl. We prayed continually for her and for her birth parents.
It's amazing to think that 3 months ago we were nervously flying down to FL to meet them... I saw the birth mom's belly... I was literally inches away from the baby... only skin separating us. All of this only to have her not be our baby. Just heart breaking.
I don't want just any baby someone will hand me. I want OUR baby. The baby God has intended for us. The detour we've taken to get there has been the most trying experience we've gone through yet.
Farmer has been my rock. He has been willing to let me cry for as long as I need, holding me, and listening to me as I continually analyze the situation. I can't imagine going through this experience with any other person. I, also, can't imagine trudging through adoption with a marriage that isn't grounded in God. There have been so many situations that could have ended in a massive fight, or with giving up, or with the lack of patients to deal with the other's heart. God gave me my farmer knowing we'd face this. Knowing we'd need each other if we were going to make it through a failed match.
I've never had my own children so I am not sure exactly if this is accurate, but in my limited thoughts this is what it feels like: It feels like someone just up and took our baby before we could even meet her and now we have to accept that she was never ours and that there's another little someone that IS ours.... It's like the most devastating and exciting feeling all wrapped into one ridiculous sentence.
I don't understand God's plan. It's hard to believe that this sweet girl isn't ours. I do know God is all good. There isn't a spec of God that has bad intentions for us.
I hope this road that we're traveling grows us into better parents, better spouses, and better followers of Christ.
